FOX & DOG is an R-Rated goofball sci-fi horror series – or, splatstick comedy. Fox is a reporter for THE RAISED EYEBROW, a tabloid-type newspaper that covers myths like BIGFOOT, GHOSTS, and ALIENS. Every now and then, the stories are true. It’s up to FOX to find out.
THIS EPISODE… Fox meets a MAGIC DOG… They partner up for his next assignment – a small Canadian town has been invaded by BODY SNATCHER-like aliens…
It’s like MEN IN BLACK meets PINEAPPLE EXPRESS meets SOUTH PARK.
There are 6 episodes of FOX & DOG completed thus far.
***The formatting has been altered to fit on the Interweb. The accompanying images are only for visual aids. I am no casting director. This is a hobby. I’m just trying to spice up the text as you scroll. Enjoy.***
I will start with the PILOT EPISODE (below). Keep your eyes peeled for more in the future.
F O X & D O G
M E E T T H E B I Z A R R E
E P I S O D E 1
copyright, all rights reserved
click, listen, scroll – with some music by DANNY ELFMAN to set the mood
EXT. HOT DOG STAND – STREET – DAY
Mustard. Oozing and doodling a thick line on a “street dog” – nice, juicy, flame broiled, hot dog.
A stubbled man in his early 30s decorates his delicious hotdog. His name is FOX. He’s wearing jeans, a casual dress-shirt, and a saddle-strapped book bag. He has a reporter badge on his shirt.
Fox licks his lips, ready to bite—
RING RING. RING RING. He sighs, and rolls his eyes. He takes a bite, defiantly, and pulls out his OLD BLOCKY cellphone.
FOX: Mmmm-mustard… Yeah. It’s Fox… (listens) Now? It’s my day off, Swan. I was gonna catch the game… (listens) Send me the address… I don’t have Google Maps… Whatever. It phones people, and that’s what I want out of a phone… (listens) Do you like street meat, Swan… Me too, so lemme enjoy mine… (laughs) That’s why you haven’t fired me yet.
Fox hangs up. He takes another bite.
FOX (to himself): I love dogs.
INT. APTARTMENT – DAY
A scruffy little mutt of a DOG licks his own balls.
The door buzzer goes off. A stubby finger presses the intercom.
This balding and messy Italian man is GONZOLINETTI.
FOX (INTERCOM): It’s Fox from The RAISED EYEBROW. I’m here to do a story on, uh, your magic dog?
EEENNNN. Gonzolinetti buzzes Fox inside.
EXT. APTARTMENT BUILDING – DAY
Fox stands at the apartment entrance, finishing his hotdog. He crumples up the wrapper, searching for a garbage. He pockets the litter.
He looks at the mess on his hands. He licks.
A woman exits the apartment building. She notices Fox and his messy hands. She smirks and hands him a tissue.
FOX: Thanks. (wipes messy hands) No time for a sit and eat.
She notices the reporter badge on his shirt pocket.
WOMAN: No problem… You here for the magic dog in 6B?
Fox looks a little confused. She notices.
WOMAN: The badge… It’s not real, you know…
FOX: I wish that weren’t the case sometimes.
WOMAN: I mean the dog… It ain’t magic. It’s bullshit. I saw the show, man. If I can tell, then… Well… Maybe you should just go. Save your time. (laughs) You know, have a sit n eat…
FOX: I wish… This is me… But if it’s fake, well, maybe I got time to eat. What are you up to…
She interrupts, showing him her wedding finger. It’s loaded.
WOMAN: Nice try… (touches his badge) …Justin S. Faulkner.
FOX: Fox… Just Fox.
WOMAN: Have fun with 6B… Fox.
She waves cutely at him as she turns and leaves. Fox watches her go. Then he puts the litter in his pocket and turns.
FOX: Just my luck. This better be good.
He enters the building.
INT. APT – DAY
Gonzolinetti opens the door for Fox. The dog stops licking his balls and runs straight for Fox. The dog grabs Fox’s leg, wagging his tail the whole way.
GONZOLINETTI: I was expecting you a bit later on, Mr. Faulkner. ‘scuze the mess.
FOX: Uh… You can call me Fox.
Gonzolinetti picks up papers and garbage strewn about his place. He turns to see the dog with Fox.
GONZOLINETTI: No, Dog! Bad. Bad!
Gonzolinetti throws a can at the dog. It’s full of screws, so it’s loud and scary. Even Fox flinches.
FOX: It’s alright, sir. He was just saying hi.
GONZOLINETTI: Dog needs to listen. He don’t hear me, the show don’t work.
FOX: About the magic show…
GONZOLINETTI: One sec there, chief. Make yourself at home.
Fox clears a spot on the couch. The dog runs to him again, tail wagging. Fox looks around the apartment.
The dogs playing poker painting on felt. The Houdini poster from old. 3 dishes for dog food. 3 shabby kennels.
GONZOLINETTI: You got me at a bad time, kid. I just had one die on me.
FOX: Die? Is that… Uh… Expected?
GONZOLINETTI (thinks, suspicious): Train ‘em too hard, sometimes, I guess.
Fox looks at the dog, who jumps up on the couch beside him.
FOX: What kinda magic do you do, Mr. Gonzolinetti?
GONZOLINETTI: Not me. The dog… And it’s black. Black magic.
Gonzolinetti turns back and has a table ready. It has clamps on it.
FOX: Black magic? Uh, like voodoo? Zombie stuff? Zombies sell–
GONZOLINETTI: Patience! Mr. Faulkner. Come on, this is a free show!… Get off the couch you fucker!
Fox stands up, off the couch. The dog runs to Gonzolinetti.
GONZOLINETTI: Not you. (laughs) The dog… You ready for this?
Fox sits back down. He pulls out a notepad and pen. He scribbles.
Gonzolinetti turns around – stained shirt, messy looking. He stands behind the table. Curtains are draped over the table to hide the underside.
GONZOLINETTI: I am the great and powerful Gonzolinetti. Witness my… Blah blah blah… This is where I hype the audience… Klatu veratu nicto- blah blah blah.
Gonzolinetti reaches under the table and pulls out the dog. He straps the dog into the clamps.
GONZOLINETTI: This trick happens without the illusional aid of a cover. The dog is in perfect view of the audience… (reaches O.S.) For this!
All of a sudden, Gonzolinetti pulls out a hedge trimmer – an electric saw.
Gonzolinetti laughs maniacally.
Fox is shocked. Stunned. Frozen.
GONZOLINETTI: You ready for this?!
Gonzolinetti flips the switch on the saw. It turns on. The saw blades spin quickly. Loudly.
GONZOLINETTI (CONT.) (yelling over saw): Mr. Faulkner… I hope you believe in magic.
Gonzolinetti quickly attacks the dog. Blood sprays everywhere. He saws the dog in half.
FOX: What the fuck?!!
GONZOLINETTI: What was that about patience? Wait for it… It’s magic!
Gonzolinetti throws a smoke bomb. POOF. A cloud of smoke.
The smoke clears. The dog is sitting on the table… Atop a puddle of blood and guts.
FOX (angry): You call that magic, you sick fuck? I know how you did that. And I don’t know how you’ve gotten away with this for— Actually… Fuck you!
GONZOLINETTI (smirks): It’s messy… But it’s magic.
Fox gets up and points to Gonzolinetti in a threatening manner.
FOX (sheepish): Gonzolinetti… You better run…I’m making a call, if you know what I mean.
GONZOLINETTI: Run? Run? That’s what you want. That’s good.
The dog runs at Fox, and jumps into his arms.
Gonzolinetti turns on the saw. Fox lets out a sheepish “EEP”.
GONZOLINETTI (loud): You better run… FOX!
Gonzolinetti charges at Fox with the electric saw.
Fox runs out of the door, holding the dog as he bolts down the hallway.
Gonzolinetti follows, quickly, giving chase. YOINK. The saw unplugs.
Gonzolinetti stops, pissed off, and yells in the empty hallway.
EXT. STREET – DAY
Swirling police lights. Several squad cars. An animal control van.
Across the street, Fox sits at a bench. Dog sits beside him on the bench. Fox looks at the dog. He pets him.
FOX: Good boy. You’re a scruffy lil’ thing aren’t you?
FOX: Okay, okay, not scruffy… Let’s see.
Fox reaches around the dog’s collar, looking for I.D. There is a letter “G” and then “Gonzolinetti”.
FOX: Doesn’t seem right to call you Gonzolinetti. Can’t be named for him… And, yeah, too many syll-ables.
Cops escort Gonzolinetti to a squad car in handcuffs. His shirt has more stains: blood.
Fox watches them. He picks up the dog’s paw and waves, talking.
FOX: Say bye bye… Bye bye you sick fuck.
FOX (raises his fist, like Black Power): Yeah, man, yeah… (composed) I mean, come on dog, you shouldn’t swear.
Dog barks again. He sniffs around. He sticks his head into Fox’s pocket. The food wrappers are still there.
FOX: You’re hungry, huh? We’ll get you somethin’ soon.
Fox gets off the bench. He sees the cop car drive away with Gonzolinetti. Gonzolinetti looks at them too.
Dog watches back. Dog waves bye on his own accord. And barks at Gonzolinetti.
FOX: Come on, G. Let’s go.
The dog just looks at Fox, blankly.
FOX: Food? Eat? Come?
Dog stays sitting still.
FOX: G. Come… G?… Gonzolinetti?
Dog still waits on the bench.
FOX (emphatic): Yo, Gon- Zo!
Dog jumps up and runs to Fox’s side.
FOX: Good boy… You like Gonzo? Me too… Let’s go to my place. Give you some grub, bud.
EXT. HIGHRISE APARTMENT – LATE AFTERNOON
A middle-class apartment building, several stories high. Balconies. No air conditioners. A busy street below. A coffee shop at the corner.
INT. APARTMENT – SAME
The door opens.
On the couch sits a scruffy man in his early 30s with long hair. He coughs and puts down his bong. He tries to waft the smoke away. This is L.P.
L.P.: Who is it?
Fox walks into the living room.
FOX: L.P. It’s me… I told you if there’s no knock… It’s probably me.
L.P. (slow): Oh yeah… Want a hit?
FOX: Not now. There’s someone I’d like you to meet.
L.P.: Is it your mom?
FOX: What?… No… It’s…
Dog walks in, tail wagging. He hops on the couch beside L.P.
L.P.: Whoah… Heh, dude. It’s a dog.
FOX: I know… That’s who I… (defeated) His name is Gonzo.
Dog barks. He sniffs in the pot smoke. L.P. Laughs.
L.P.: He smoke?
FOX: He’s a dog, bro. Dogs don’t– (trails off) Actually, that’s a good question.
L.P. Blows smoke at the dog. Dog waves.
FOX (proud): I taught him that.
Dog coughs. Exhales smoke.
L.P.: Oh yeah? Well, I taught him THAT.
FOX: I don’t think I even need to ask this, but… Bro… You got munchies? Dog’s hungry.
The 3 are still on the couch. Smoky haze. Munchie bowls and wrappers about.
They all laugh at the TV. They’re watching cat videos on YouTube.
The dog’s eyes are squinty. He laughs and points his paw at the TV.
It’s Fox’s cellphone, across the room, on a table 10 feet away.
FOX: D’oh… It’s soooo far…
Fox reaches out, as if using the Force.
L.P. (laughing): How stoned are you, bra? The Force only works when you most need it to. You know, like Hoth… Gonzo: Fetch.
LP points to the phone. Dog cocks his head at an angle.
FOX: He’s not trained for that, dumbass. He’s magic, but not real–
Dog comes back with the phone in his mouth.
L.P.: That IS magic.
Fox tosses LP a look. He pets Gonzo. And answers his phone.
FOX: This is Fox. (coughs) Oh, heh, Ms. Swan… Joking. What is it, Leilani?
INT. OFFICE – SAME
SWAN a.k.a. Leilani, a woman in her late 20s. Curly hair. Glasses. Hot. She has a dress shirt and skirt.
She paces her office as she talks on the phone.
The office is nice enough. There are several framed articles from the newspaper. And a banner for THE RAISED EYEBROW.
SWAN: Fox. I got a good one.
FOX: That sounds familiar. Oh yeah, didn’t you say that about the magic dog?
SWAN: Okay, you got me. It’s hard to tell which crazies are true crazies. His audience was convincing.
FOX: Yeah. Probably in league with the UFO guys and vampire nuts. They believe anything.
SWAN: Fox. Listen. This isn’t a return of the puppy slayer. There’s something truly bizarre–
FOX: Right. Bizarre. Like the Bat Baby. Or Skunk Ape?
L.P.: Skunk apes are real dude. I smelled one over at Dale’s.
FOX: Dale? Your dealer? That smell wasn’t a Skunk Ape. Shut up, L.P.
SWAN: L.P.? You still roomin’ with him?
FOX: Do I even have to dignify that with a response? Now, what is it, Swan?
SWAN: There’s a small town, called Manotick, near Ottawa, Ontario. They’ve been invaded by space ticks.
FOX: Funny, Swan. Now, what’s the story you’re really sending me on?
SWAN: I’m serious, Justin… These space bugs are attacking people.
FOX: What do the police say?
SWAN: You know the deal… Can you be there by tomorrow? Get it for Monday’s printing.
Fox thinks this over. He looks around.
Gonzo and LP laughing. Smoke in the air. Cat video. LP passes Fox a joint.
He takes it. Inhales.
FOX: I dunno. I’m kinda busy.
SWAN: Fox… I can smell it from here…
Fox looks at the joint. Exhales.
FOX: You can? I mean… No.
SWAN: I smell bullshit, yeah. You’re my only journalist.
FOX (smiling): Journalist? You said the magic word. You always know just what to say, don’t you, Swan.
SWAN: Thank you, Fox.
FOX: Right. Text me the details.
INT. CAR – LATE NIGHT
Fox is behind the wheel. Sleepy. Driving a long country road.
There’s a bump. Which reveals Fox is not alone, as the dog flies up in the air, off the seat.
FOX: Sorry, Gonzo. Country roads, kinda bumpy. But, trust me, you’re better off here. With me. LP is a good guy, but yeah… I think he may forget you’re a dog or somethin’ and feed you chocolate.
FOX: Hungry, boy? Well, expected that. Comin’ down from that high, eh. Try this.
Fox unwraps some beef jerky. Gonzo gnaws on it right away.
FOX: Munchies are a muthafuck, huh? Still stoned? Let’s see… Pass the time quicker.
Fox turns on the radio. He flips the dial. Pop music. Gonzo covers his ears. Fox laughs and switches to the 80s channel. He sings along. Annoyingly.
Gonzo punches the dial. Bob Marley comes on.
Gonzo relaxes back into the seat.
FOX: Good choice… I’m kinda amazed you did that. But, good choice.
They listen to the Reggae music. Gonzo sticks his head out of the window. Casual. Chillin’. Fox looks over and laughs.
FOX: Good boy, Gonzo. Jam like that a few and we’ll be there in no time.
They continue the dark drive down the long country road.
EXT. TOWN RESTAURANT – MORNING
The car pulls into a small town restaurant. It has a breakfast sign in the window. Fox and Dog exit the car and approach the restaurant. Fox stops and points to the sign.
Dog interrupts and barks.
FOX (CONT. – thinking): –fast? You’re smart aren’t you, Gonzo?
FOX: Smart and hungry, eh.
Gonzo barks again and the 2 enter the restaurant.
INT. RESTAURANT – SAME
Fox and Dog are seated at a booth table. Fox looks at the menu. The waitress comes with coffee.
WAITRESS: Good mornin’. What can I get–
She stops when she sees the dog.
FOX: Don’t worry. He’s magic.
WAITRESS (confused): Dog?
FOX: Right. Dog. He’ll be good. Can I get the special, please. And…
Dog points to the menu with his paw.
FOX (CONT.): …my friend here will have the bacon. Several strips of. And…
FOX (CONT.): Some sausages.
The waitress is stunned. She blinks. Her pen hovers above the pad.
FOX: You gonna write that down or, you’ll just remember?
WAITRESS: Uh… Yeah. I’ll remember THAT.
She takes the menus back. Absent-mindedly.
FOX: Oh. And can get a bowl of water for Gonzo here. Thanks.
She turns away, looks back. Still stunned.
WAITRESS: Comin’ right up.
Fox looks at Gonzo. Thinking.
FOX: Psst, Gonzo. I can tell you’re smarter than your average bear.
Gonzo tilts his head, confused.
FOX: Sorry. It’s an expression. But… You’re not really magic? Are you?
Gonzo cocks his head again. Then lifts his leg and licks his balls.
Fox laughs. He looks around. Only a couple of customers. Oblivious to him.
Fox drinks his coffee. RING RING. Gonzo looks up.
FOX: I got it, this time. You keep your mouth to yourself, right now.
Gonzo resumes licking. Fox answers the phone.
FOX: Hello, Swaaaaaan… I know you hate it. That’s why I love it… Eating… Well, I’m hungry, so… Drove through the night. (sarcastic) You’re welcome. (listens) Gimme a few. Til then… (listens) Eggs and bac-y. Why? (listens) Fuck you… Thankyou. I said thank you, Swaaaaaan.
And with that, he hangs up.
The waitress reappears.
WAITRESS: Excuse me?
She fills up his coffee.
FOX (guilty): Nuthin. Just, uh, talking to my, uh, dog. He’s magic.
WAITRESS: Whatever. Be a minute for those eggs.
Fox looks behind as she leaves. He checks her out.
FOX (quiet): Women.
FOX (CONT.): You know what I’m sayin’. The shit we put up with.
Gonzo nods again.
FOX: High five!
They do indeed high five each other.
EXT. RESTAURANT – LATER
Fox opens the car door for Dog. Gonzo jumps in and sits in the passenger seat. Fox gets in.
INT. CAR – SAME
Fox starts the car. Radio on. Exhales.
Gonzo grins, farts.
FOX: I’ll take that as a reply. Get the window.
Fox buttons the window down, Gonzo does the same, copying him.
FOX: Alright. So here we are. Where to begin? If you were a bug from outer-space where would you hide?
Gonzo is looking up out the window. He barks. He points up.
Fox sees it too. A purple flaming meteor rockets through the atmosphere.
FOX (shocked): To be continued, dog.
The meteor hauls ass towards the Earth, a purple flaming streak in its wake.
NEXT TIME on FOX & DOG… Our two gonzo journalists uncover the BODY SNATCHER mystery… They meet a new sidekick… And they kick some alien ass…
What did you think?
Should this be toned down to something PG13?
Would it make a good CRUDELY drawn cartoon – maybe for an online WEB SERIES?
Contact me for a PDF copy of the screenplay – or if you want the script for the next episode.
Thanks for taking the time to check out this strange blend of wacky comedy and gooey violence. I hope you enjoyed it… I hope you laughed.